If Taylor Swift can have eras, then so can the rest of us, and I think we should call this one the Era of the Sober-Curious.
You see, to be ‘curious’ is a fundamental intention for anyone engaging in a process of psychotherapy. What will underpin the value of an individual’s therapeutic experience is their capacity for curiosity about themselves, their past, their way of being in the World, and their relationships. What’s that got to do with sobriety you might ask? Well for some people, everything!
Strange as it may sound, the relationship between an individual and alcohol is often one of the most significant of their lifetime. That’s not only strange but sad too, I guess. Nevertheless, it is the case, particularly for many Irish people whose relationship with alcohol is deeply embedded on a systemic, familial, societal and cultural level, and the trauma associated is generational and far-reaching. Yet we drink as if it’s no big deal and not to be considered too carefully. But I say, let’s get curious!
Let me preface this next part by noting that throughout this article I am referring to the drinking population more broadly or perhaps those who identify as having a challenging relationship with alcohol, but by all accounts are functioning, and while they may be observing some destructive patterns within their life pertaining to their drinking habits, they are still within the capacity for general therapeutic exploration of the issue. Not to be confused with a person who is in the throes of a severe addiction and would need more intensive wraparound support such as rehabilitation, a recovery program or a specialist in addiction therapy. I am also by no means attempting to impose sobriety on the reader or cast a negative shadow on those who choose to drink alcohol for social pleasure. Alcohol is often enjoyed in balance and treated with the respect and restraint that its consumer deserves.
But for many, this is not the case, and so there is much to be explored.
Firstly, alcohol is the only drug for which it is often frowned upon to not take, and this in itself is part of the reason for the long and painful history of addiction that has infiltrated this country for decades. From the youth to the elderly, the urban to the rural, there is not a cohort of individuals on this tiny island that will not experience some pressure to drink alcohol within their lifetime, and furthermore who will not feel stigmatized, left out, or in the minority for deciding not to drink. The very fabric of our communities and the social terrain of Ireland has traditionally been centred around alcohol, and that in itself makes it an extremely challenging habit to kick.
Secondly, it is important to note the unusual contradiction between alcohol and pain. It is fair to say that for most of us when we identify the source of our pain, we aim (where possible) to remove it from our pathway. This principle does not always apply to alcohol, however. In fact, it is striking that no matter how much pain alcohol causes us, nor the threat that it poses to our own lives and that of our loved ones, it is not avoided, but embraced, and its relevance in our lives is insisted upon. I often sit across from clients who list in no uncertain terms the unimaginable pain that alcohol has brought to them, yet seem determined for its presence in their lives to continue.
Why? I often ask them!
Why is alcohol so important to you that you are willing to endure all of this pain? Why are you choosing this one thing over everything else?
And this is where the work begins.
I tell my clients from the beginning that therapy will not become a space of rules imposed by me. If they wish to drink alcohol that is their choice, so long as they are sober when they attend their sessions. I assure them that we will not be creating a dynamic where they report back to me each week on how much or little alcohol they have consumed. In therapy we are not creating a linear process of success or failure, we are engaging with the reality of a person’s life. I do not label a person an alcoholic, as I believe certain language can create shame for those at the beginning stages of exploring the role of alcohol in their life. That is not to say I enable clients or collude with them. I challenge them in as honest a way as I know how. If I believe a person should stop drinking based on what they have told me, I will tell them that, but it does not become a condition of therapy. I will also advise people that the clarity they need in order for therapy to be effective will usually not be possible if they are frequently under the fog of alcohol. The process then involves me asking the client to tell me about their relationship with alcohol in all its nuance and complexity. By bringing the details of the relationship into language in the therapeutic space and then processing the impact of that on an emotional level, a person has a much greater opportunity to decide if they wish for that relationship to stay the same, or if they would like to make some alterations and create a healthier and more balanced approach to drinking.
In which case I will ask ‘What could that look like?’ But more importantly, ‘Are you capable of creating this change?’
Sometimes people are, and sometimes they are not.
Some will create healthier drinking habits, and many will willingly embark on a journey of becoming sober-curious, a new era for them! Conflictingly others will send out the battalions of full resistance and avoidance, attempting to engage in a manipulation of themselves and the therapy in order to justify their continued quest for destructive drinking, or may even disengage with therapy altogether. A behaviour that is unfortunate, but most understandable when we remember our earlier mention of how deeply entrenched alcohol has become in our society. Not to mention its most powerful and alluring quality that I have not given adequate attention to thus far, and that is its capability to remove us from ourselves, from our trauma, from the discomfort living within us. The pain associated with alcohol was alluded to earlier, and here we see the glaringly frustrating paradox of how alcohol not only causes pain but can also take pain away. The reprieve may be temporary, but boy does it feel good and it is for sure addictive. Racing thoughts become quieter, insecurities become less, confidence grows, physical pain is diminished, sleep becomes more accessible, fun becomes elevated, and the list goes on. Suddenly the resistance to quit makes sense. The dual addiction of the substance itself and the feeling it gives is no easy feat to contend with.
But it’s not all bad news. After all, I title this article ‘Era of the Sober-Curious’ for a reason! As much as we still have a way to go, we have made considerable progress as a society. It is slowly becoming more acceptable to be the designated driver for the night out or order the Guinness Zero instead of the real thing, and bars are stocked with alcohol-free gins, beers, and ciders to boot. Podcasters are discussing the topic with ease, and influencers and celebrities are revelling in their newfound sobriety. I remember the days when our social media feeds were flooded with a hundred drunken pictures from a night out, while now we tend to opt for more flattering imagery such as hiking on a Sunday morning! The human race has always been one of extremes I guess. One day we might find balance! So, take this opportunity to consider your own relationship with alcohol, and even if it is just for a moment, become curious about the experience of sobriety and what that might feel like for you. Perhaps this will be a new era for you.